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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on October 31, 2011 at 6:50am

Here are a few things I can share without writing a book on it. I was able to determine these through a very in depth conversation with my 13 year old some months ago. It all boils down to avoiding a feeling of helplessness. Our kiddos feel very vulnerable in general and even more so when they need to ask for help. Therefore they avoid it at all costs. 

 

What we thought was a sense of entitlement in our 13 year old (after much conversation) turned out to be his deep desire to be helped without asking. Because the asking would require him (in his mind) to admit he was helpless and vulnerable. However, if someone simply provided the help without being asked it was as though he was allowing them to help instead of asking them to. Make sense?

 

Since then I have worked diligently to change his thinking on this and now he asks for help on a regular basis. Unfortunately I'm unable to explain the process here because it requires a thorough examination of how you and son have the conversation now and then teach you how to reframe the conversation. I teach it to my clients all the time and it's extremely effective. 

 

I hope this helps. 

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Permalink Reply by Michael Crosby on October 31, 2011 at 9:04am

 

there`s more to it than that.  often we have problems with things that most people think are easy or obvious or ridiculous.  this makes asking for help, or even clarification, difficult because of the reaction we get.  the reaction is often compounded because we appear to be so smart.  so we learn not to ask for help.

 

another aspect of this is awareness and understanding of asperger`s itself.  if we work hard to appear normal, it makes people see us like a "normal" person, which in turn makes them them treat us like a "normal" person.

 

finally, "normal" solutions to problems don`t usually work for us.  this means that asking for help is often useless because the answer we get is based on what a "normal" person would think, feel or do.

 

i`m sure that you, brian, are able to overcome most of these problems in your daily life, but you`ve had years of practice, education and experience that pretty much everyone else has never had.

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on October 31, 2011 at 9:23am

Yes and No Michael. Yes, there is more to it, much more too it. My new book http://goo.gl/csNyB required 288 pages to explain how to overcome this and the book could have easily been 500 pages. 

 

Here's what separates me from most people Michael, my Ph.D., which stands for Pig Headed Determination. I haven't had any experience that is so special that it gave me an advantage over others.

 

My advantage lies in my refusal to stop working at it until I find what works. I don't stop asking for help until I get it, the way I need it. It is my refusal to give up no matter how many times it doesn't work. This is a secret to success in life that few are willing to practice.

 

It isn't that I'm rejection proof either Michael, it's that when I decide my current state of life is unacceptable then I decide to do whatever it takes to change it. If it is unacceptable then fight like hell to change it and don't let anyone or anything stop you.

 

It isn't years or practice, education or experience. It all boils down to making a decision then acting on it with burning hot determination. Nothing else with change things in your life.  

 

Those who don't act in this manner tend to prioritize playing it safe over going for what they want. Make sense?

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Permalink Reply by Michael Crosby on October 31, 2011 at 10:04am

 

i`m not complaining.  i`m making an observation. i`m quite sure that anyone can overcome anything, given enough determination and focus.  but i`m also quite sure that anyone is capable of doing anything (good or bad) given the right situation.

 

i`m describing the pitfalls and problems most aspies face.  most of this boils down to inadvertant abuse to aspies.  i`m sure you know how hard it is to overcome abuse, especially when there`s no way to get away from the abuser except withdrawing.  i wouldn`t refer to that as playing it safe.

 

what i was trying to say is that you have a lot more experience and knowledge about these things than most people do.  that is why you are offering your services.  i agree that the solution is simple however difficult it may be to put into action.

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on October 31, 2011 at 10:24am

I understand Mike and I appreciate the clarification. Being different in this world is often an uphill battle on a daily basis. I'm concerned about the suggestion that the only way to get away from an abuser is withdrawal.

 

If we're talking about a parent/child relationship I can see that but other relationships can be renegotiated or ended, that change may be difficult depending on the relationship but being hard to end it isn't a good reason to remain in it. 

 

I wouldn't say the solution is simple though it is clear. There is always work that comes with creating something better for ourselves, it's a matter of being committed to the outcome. 

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Permalink Reply by Michael Crosby on October 31, 2011 at 11:05am

 

i`m talking mostly about children here.  they don`t have much control over their lives.  they have to deal with what they are given.  but these children then become adults who have lived that way.  so we have socially stunted children who become socially stunted adults who then have to figure out how to navigate the world with the experiences and often behaviour of a child.

 

of course there are other ways to get away from an abuser.  my point is that when pretty much everyone is abusive (although most not deliberately), a logical reaction would be to withdraw.  and then that becomes habit, and is often reinforced by further experiences.

 

if you add to this the stress they feel, and the fact that stress intensifies the autistic behaviours, you can see how this might become a downward spiral.

 

i`m sure that many aspies, whether they realise it or not, feel tremendous pressure to behave the way that people treat them or expect them to.  i firmly believe that all animals take the path of least resistance.  it`s hard wired into our makeup.  how that path manifests is complex and infinite.  but basically it means that most people won`t change things until they are in crisis.  and that means that most people have to hit rock bottom (whatever that means to them) before they do something about it.

 

it`s so easy for people to interpret aspie behaviour as deliberate and negative.  talk about an uphill battle !  my wife and i were both kicked off oasis for insisting that many of the parents` kids were probably not obnoxious little poops, but were just trying to make sense of things and do the right thing.  all we did was suggest an alternative, kinder viewpoint.  as a result of our efforts, almost all the aspies who were posting on there were kicked off.

 

i`m not trying to poopoo what you`re saying or doing.  i just want to clarify things and get the information out there.

 

i think there are a lot of positive things too.  but i think these negative things need to be addressed realistically.

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on October 31, 2011 at 11:57am

You're right on the money Mike. it can become a hard wired pattern and often does. That's why I do what I do. Once I discovered I was in that pattern, how miserable I was in it and figured out how to break the pattern, I then set out to teach others to do the same.

 

As you know, it takes change on both sides of the conversation. We each must take responsibility for creating the relationships we want. The change begins by deciding to fight for something better then doing the work to unlearn the old patterns while replacing them with those that help us meet our needs more effectively.

 

I understand the reality and was stuck in these patterns for over 30 years. I also understand that our habits aren't our destiny they're only our tendency.

 

An abusive childhood is a story many share. There are many adults today who have realized as I have that our past doesn't have to equal our future and when we come of age to demand different things for ourselves we can do so. Being on the spectrum doesn't deny us this even if it is harder for us to do so. 

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Permalink Reply by Michael Crosby on October 31, 2011 at 12:47pm

 

right, so you hit your own rock bottom, as did i.

 

i don`t think it`s so much the abuse, as the pervasiveness and subtlety of it.  people are only just now starting to agree that it`s even happened.

 

i think another reason that it`s so easy to play into it (from an aspie`s point of view) is because at least half of us want to be social, want to be accepted, want to have a place to fit in.  even if it`s a negative one.  at least it`s something that makes sense and is predictable.  and we all want to be loved and accepted by our parents and make them proud of us.

 

so, really, there are easy to label and define developmental steps here.  they probably often follow (roughly) the steps of grieving.  in a sense it`s the same thing.  all aspies have to come to grips at some point with the fact they will never be "normal" and that that`s ok.  i think the hardest pill to swallow is that many people won`t be able to help being hurtful and that that`s ok too.  they`re doing the best they can just like you and i are.

 

i think it all begins with learning what a friend is and how people show they care.  once you don`t feel like you`re alone anymore, you can start to get on with the good stuff.

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Permalink Reply by jennifer bulandr on October 31, 2011 at 1:09pm

Great dialogue!

 

This sentence - "i`m sure that many aspies, whether they realise it or not, feel tremendous pressure to behave the way that people treat them or expect them to.  i firmly believe that all animals take the path of least resistance.  it`s hard wired into our makeup.  how that path manifests is complex and infinite."

 

As well as this sentence: it`s so easy for people to interpret aspie behaviour as deliberate and negative.

 

How do you know when it is ok to push a child to behave a certain way and when to relax and just let them be?

The behavior I expect and think should come so naturally just doesn't for this one child - I certainly don't want him to think I am abusing him or that he isn't loved.

Permalink Reply by Michael Crosby on October 31, 2011 at 3:18pm

well, you can start with asking yourself if it`s a behaviour that`s associated with asperger`s.  then you can look at what he gets out of it, and what it would take to change it as a result.

 

you should also look at how he reacts to your attempts to change it.  does he seem to want to ?  does he not care ?  has he tried and failed ?  how important is it, really, and how important is it to him ?

 

are you involved with any asperger`s group ?  they could probably help, if only to give you some idea of strategies and what is normal.  it would also help to get him into a group with other aspies his age, if he isn`t already in one.  outside of school, i mean.  if there isn`t one, maybe you could start one.

 

my point here is to talk to other people who understand what`s happening and get some support.

 

at any rate, i`ll be glad to offer my two cents if you can tell me what the problem is.

Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on October 31, 2011 at 3:22pm

Jennifer the answer to the question "How do you know when it is ok to push a child to behave a certain way and when to relax and just let them be?" depends upon the outcome you're looking for.

 

If we're talking about eye contact and other social expectations then I'd say teach him workarounds, I call these Social Disclaimers. That way he can still interact with others while removing the discomfort associated with his unique way of doing things.

 

Do you have other behaviors in mind? 

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