Christmas anxiety

I found this year that I can do a few things differently to help the anxiety of Christmas for my grandson. (13 yrs old)

1. we don't put our tree up too early
He asked us not to wrap (his gifts and put them under the tree too early). He said, "It is too hard on me to look at them and know I can not open them yet. So, thinking about this. I asked him if he would be upset that other people had gifts under the tree before he did..wondering if we would just wait until 21st (or so) to put them all under the tree.
He said, "No, it will not bother me to see the gifts as long as you wait until later for MINE. He can't handle the (waiting).
We did this and it went pretty well! :)

2. My husband & I have always bought a live tree. Well this year, without talking about it. My husband & I were out shopping & we bought a store tree, brought it home, slid it in the house with the announcement, "Look what we bought!" NOT good! My g'son went straight into a meltdown! "Christmas will NEVER be the same now!" After a LOT of talk and understanding... We took the tree back to the store & we bought our outdoor tree. My extended family went off, Why do you let him have his way like that? He is just bulling you and your husband."
Well, here is why we took the tree back.
Christmas is about BEING HAPPY and this would have ruined that happiness for my grandson, so I would rather my my family (all of us) happy than the store bought tree!
Years ago I heard this advise and I still use it. "Pick your battles!"

I love this wen site! Pls add me if anyone is interested. Kat

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 9, 2012 at 8:38am

It sounds like your grandson has some beautiful self-awareness around his holiday anxiety. What you experienced around the issue of the Christmas tree is an all too common violation of the "Certainty Rule" which essentially is the insistence of know what's going to happen. He very well may have accepted the artificial tree if he'd played a part in shopping for it. Alas, in the end it's about being happy and it sounds like it all worked out.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 9, 2012 at 12:46pm

We talked to him about how he would have felt if he had helped us pick it you & he said, "NO It would have never worked. I can not do this. This is how it has always been & now Christmas is ruined." He would not even come out of his room. He is very rigid in his patterns of the way things are and are always supposed to be the same. I try & explain that things will change from time to time and you may not always be able to change that, so I try and mentally prepare him for the idea that (some things we can control, some we can't) theory. It is, by far not easy!

He also has certain things that he hangs on to hear. Like he has a special shirt he likes to wear. Well, he is 13 yrs old and even if I wash it daily, eh kids at school might start making fun of him because they do not know we wash it daily. :) The kids have not noticed yet.... I try & avoid things for him that I know will set him apart but how do I get him to wear a different shirt? It's not like he is 4yrs old & people will not care.

Thank you for being here for me! Granny Kat

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 9, 2012 at 1:12pm

It's possible he says "It would have never worked" because he's looking at it through the lens of how it felt when he didn't know about it.

The key to teaching flexibility is when you subltly make notice of the times when he demonstrates it and things work out. You simply say, "Things went a little different there but it's great how everything turned out okay isn't it?" This plants a subtle seed that things can work out and that he has the ability to work through it.

This approach worked with my oldest who would meltdown if anything other than what he expected would happen. We'd have holes in doors and walls as a result. Now he calmly manages these moments because he now has the strategies and the self-awareness to get through it.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 9, 2012 at 1:32pm

Thanks, What would I do without you & I hope I do not become a pest with my questions. :)

How do I get him to change his shirt? He hates showers.... he will do it, AFTER he argues with me. I hate the arguing..... so I understand his pain. I have started telling him, You don't want to smell, shower. And then I walk away.... He loves to argue/complain!

I am going to print out your idea's & keep them handy in my (sain notebook) so I can remind myself later. :)

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 9, 2012 at 1:53pm

Excellent! No need to worry about asking too many questions because they are likely experienced by others who will benefit from the answers as well.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 9, 2012 at 4:55pm

Your a very sweet man. Your inputs helps us a LOT! :)

Do you have advise on sleep problems?

What will help him sleep at night & feel rested??

He will lay there for hours...meds help him fall asleep but make him sluggish. He is sluggish either way because he is tired! Seldom feels rested!

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 9, 2012 at 5:01pm

Thanks Kathy. It depends on the reason he has sleep difficulty. What's his pattern? Is it difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep or both?

For some kids a problem of calming a racing mind (meditate to calm), perseverating on negative thoughts (read or listen to music to distract thoughts until tired enough), regulating the sleep wake cycle (medication).

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 9, 2012 at 6:29pm

Ok, here is the can of worms on the sleep problem.

Falling asleep is the issue!

He says, "I think about everything at night". In a nut shell..... His fascination is video games, typical 13 yr old boy. He tells me he thinks about.. when the new game is coming out ... all sorts of things about games at bedtime. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that telling him to (stop thinking about that at bedtime) will not work....

He will sleep until noon-2pm.. he used to wake up a lot but that stopped...

it's falling asleep that is his issue .

He is convinced nothing will work & will argue with me till the cows come home about it!

Ps, I know nothing about meditation.,,, we do use music & that seems to help some. He gets 3 songs in bed if he is in bed on time.... if he is 30 mins lat, he gets 2. If he is an hour late (cause he always is late) he doesn't get any songs.

He tells me, "I see NO POINT in sleeping! It is a useless waste of my time when I could be other things!"

Kat................

I told him how his body needs that shut down time. He isn't buying that one. :)

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 10, 2012 at 8:12am

Overall his thinking follows the pattern of, "I'll convince myself I don't need something I actually want instead of enduring the pain of not being able to have it" in this case sleep.

Meditation isn't about NOT thinking about something it's about focusing on something in this moment. The basics ask you to simply observe your breath moving in and out or listening to a sound. You can google meditation and get a host of step by steps in this. I taught it to my 14 year old and it works every time he uses it.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 10, 2012 at 9:12am

It confuses me as to why doesn't he think he can have sleep? He doesn't like the waiting time of laying there for one! The songs help but he doesn't want to even lay down until 11:00PM. When we say, we think 11 is too late, he meltdown.

I will goggle meditation at the school today. I volunteer at his school. I am there if he needs me, which he hasn't in a long time now, but the schools also need so much help that I volunteer, It's a win win and I love what I learn while there.

I will check my email tonight...

Do you have any medication suggestions on sleep? What is safe, what isn't? he will be 14 yrs old this month. Tks... Kat

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Permalink Reply by Brian R. King LCSW on January 10, 2012 at 9:22am

Many on the spectrum don't like the vulnerability of relaxing to go to sleep, they want to be alert at all times, know what's coming, feel safe. That's why many will want to sleep with the light on or with a parent to be their protector.

I can't recommend medication because I'm not a doctor but you can probably find resources online.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Hull on January 10, 2012 at 11:10pm

Brian,
Seriously your a God-end to me. Dakota did the 2 day testing in Seattle Wa. last week. They are sue to cal us next week with their diagnoses. I have no doubt at all. I will be shocked if they say they don't see this because I knew nothing about it until a year ago & I see it like day and day! When he was a baby his cry wold last so long he would pass out from not catching his breath. Everything is so subtly that it is just now being found. He's never liked to sleep. I wold let him just go to bed but he doesn't want to be awake alone & this granny isn't interested in staying up until forever so, I started to lay down with him (years ago) that helped cause he would fall asleep that way and at least we both got sleep. My husband was very understanding, Thank God!

Public school was a nightmare! We are part of a home-school/public school here in Mt Vernon Wa. It is called a parent partnership. He is making wonderful grades there. I can stay with him and I can go into classes with him. I don't do that anymore and he is doing wonderfully! My only issue academically is (Waking his brain up is hard)! I hope that doesn't sound like I am a total NUT case. He is sluggish a lot... and thinking about his work is hard sometimes. If I cold wake his brain up we'd be OK.

I don't know what else to say.. their is so much to say! :)

For tonight, I will say Good-night as I am tired grandma. I was at the school today with Dakota, I volunteer and help out while he is in classes. The school needs the help & I am close to Dakota. win win there.
II am open to learning all I can. :) Good night Brian