I define success more so by my active participation in creating something. For example, I am helping mold my children into people that can proactively solve problems and contribute to the world. When what I do doesn’t have that result, I “make different choices” about how to raise them until I get the results I’m looking for.
It never ceases to amaze me how people settle for mediocrity in their lives. How parents can often mistake rescuing and enabling for effective parenting. When the opportunity to teach problem solving is traded in for continuing to render a child helpless by solving problems for them.
If you don’t know how to do things otherwise then it is time to learn how. I can help you break this cycle. Read my “Welcome To The Possibilities” and “Win-Win Parenting” pages to learn how we can work together to create the change you want, need and deserve.
Criticism is the way people of all ages on the Autism Spectrum receive feedback about how they’re doing. Is it a wonder they often become so negative and self critical? Criticism can hurt deeply and be difficult to overcome. I work with dozens of clients on finding their true value, hidden under the pain of criticism. I teach parents how to give feedback that builds a child’s inner strength and confidence.
The biggest threat to a Spectrum child’s self determination is enabling. A well intended, anxious parent can end up doing so much for a child that the child is prevented from learning to do for him/herself. I’ve had countless clients, school age to adult, who’s parents are looking to solve the problems of poor motivation, laziness and lack of direction. The root cause ultimately ends up being that child has rarely had to do for him/herself. The parent also realizes his/her own tendency to give in out of frustration, do it themselves because its easier than an argument as well as rescuing a child repeatedly from situations in which the consequences are the best possible teachers.
In all cases the culprit is simply that the parents don’t know what else to do. It is difficult to know how to teach a child with communication and social challenges. After 40 years on the Spectrum myself and raising three sons on the Spectrum, I have mastered the process of teaching parents how to raise their children to greater levels of self determination. My Win-Win Parenting Program is the most transformative way to learn how its done.
Do as I say not as I do is a recipe for disaster when parenting any child. In the case of Spectrum children, they watch adults very closely and inconsistency in the mind of a Spectrum child makes you a “liar.” I’ve worked with many parents who tell their children how to behave but then don’t model it themselves. Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words. If you want your child to embody a value or a specific way of behaving then be prepared to be the greatest example of how its done. It can be difficult to begin and even more difficult to make sure that your child is getting the message. I can guide you to make sure the message is recieved.
I’ve always been irked by this ultimately undefinable term. “Appropriate” is as useful a term as “normal.” It is subjective, relative and in the eye of the beholder. It is also behavior based instead of strategy based. A Spectrumite needs to know how to create effective outcomes, how to solve problems. “Appropriate” isn’t as measurable as a specific outcome is. When I teach social goal setting to clients they are far more effective at getting the results they want than when they aim for the elusive target of “appropriate.” The strategies I teach aren’t the mechanical scripts of many social skill curriculums either. They are based on teaching reciprocity in a way that is more natural to the Spectrum way of thinking. When you’re ready to learn I can teach you.
When I ask parents what they want for their children, I receive answers around the topics of independence, happiness, success. When I ask what their strategies are for helping their children attain those goals, I hear about discipline. Discipline designed to punish instead of educate. Techniques that restore the parent’s place of power instead of teaching the child how to avoid consequences in the future by learning to improve their judgement. The parents eventually realize that they don’t have the tools to teach what they’d like their children to learn. When I equip them with the tools, their children begin to progress in their life as well as in their relationship with their parents.
This morning I was a bit hyperfocused on the computer while my two younger sons were getting ready for school. My 8 yr old Aidan (Aspie/Autie) turned on the TV which is against the rules of the morning routine. I promptly turned it off explaining that they hadn’t eaten breakfast and the lunches weren’t made. My 5 yr old Connor (Aspie) informed me that Aidan’s lunch was made. I informed Connor that his wasn’t and that I would do it in a few minutes when I was finished with what I was doing and encouraged he and Aidan to get breakfast.
A few minutes later I walked into the kitchen and saw Aidan spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread that had the crust removed. I asked if he was making breakfast and he said, “No, it’s Connor’s lunch.” I guess he really wanted to watch TV. I was so impressed by how proactively he chose to solve the problem that was standing between he and the TV that I offered to take over so he could watch TV. Of course he accepted my offer.
It is often the case with spectrum children that they simply become upset about a problem, blame others for its existence and do little or nothing to solve it. The strategies my wife and I use to raise our boys requires them to problem solve on a daily basis. Yet again Aidan has demonstrated the benefits of being raised this way. He has come so far and I’m so proud of him. If you would like to experience similar results I can teach you how.
I’m always told by the parents of my clients that they want their child to grow up to be independent. They want them to be able to make their own decisions and not have to rely on others. Of course their goal is turned upside down when I ask them the following questions “Do you do that?” “Do you go through life without asking for help or advice from others?” The answers are inexorably “No.”
The fact of the matter is that “independence” never occurs in a world where we are bound together by our own humanity which makes us good at some things and not so good at others. The notion of not having to rely on others is absurd. In reality the nature of human existence is one of “interdependence” from the day we are born until the day we die.
The challenge with being on the Autism Spectrum isn’t to be “interdependent” either because we’re interdependent whether we like it or not. The goal is to be “strategically interdependent” in which case you know how to have relationships with the right people who will support you in your areas of challenge.
I have my own business, have written several books and am raising my three boys. I owe my success to my own strengths but also to the quality of the people around me whom I utilize very strategically. The most simple examples of “strategic interdependence” are having a mechanic when your car breaks, a doctor when you get sick or an accountant to do your taxes.
The best examples of “strategic interdependence” are the person who goes with you to buy a car so you aren’t suckered by a fast talking salesperson, or the person who helps you practice for a job interview. Success in life isn’t defined by not having to rely on others and making decisions on your own. Success in life is defined by relying on the right people, at the right time and in the right way. It’s also by asking for advice from those who are qualified to give it.
My success in life has been by doing exactly that and teaching my sons as well as my clients to do the same. We only make it in life with each other, working together. The secret lies in having those few key people around us that can help us live up to our potential by doing “with” us instead of doing for “us”. Help your child to do that and you will have succeeded as a parent. Thanks for reading.
© 2008 Copyright (All Rights Reserved by Brian R. King and www.ImAnAspie.com) This article may only be redistributed if this copyright notice is included.
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