No More Misunderstandings . . .

“The Art of Asking for Help”

By: Brian R. King LCSW

© Copyright 2009 (All Rights Reserved)

I have many Spectrum clients who struggle with the value of asking for help because they don’t have the insight of how and when to do so. I’ve read IEP’s (Individual Education Plans) that school staff members have written that are filled with goals, such as “Child will increase their self advocacy skills” or “Child will ask for help when needed.”  These goals assume that an Aspie child knows how and when to ask for help, but chooses not to. Though that may be true in some cases, in most, it is simply a case of a child, who has such difficulty problem solving a situation, that he or she is presently unable to determine when, how and in what way to ask for help as part of the problem solving process.

In helping my clients increase their self-awareness and their skills in problem solving, I’ve learned that they work best when given the following steps to work through toward the goal of asking for help. For many of you, these steps may seem like common sense. They are, if your brain is wired to work “with” other people. But for a Spectrum child the act of working “with” is a complex social process and a primary challenge. If you realize this it will, hopefully, help you understand why the seemingly simple act of asking for help can be so challenging.

Here are the steps I’ve discovered:

1) Know you need it.

There are Spectrumites who lack the awareness to realize they need help. In their black and white way of thinking, they’ll categorize things as “good or bad,” “right or wrong.” In such an absolutist way of thinking, there is little room to conceive that a solution is possible. This explains why Spectrumites get upset when they’re unable to get things to work the way they want, as a result of their efforts alone.

Not knowing how to do “with”, they default to doing the task alone.  When they’re not successful, they conclude that it can’t be done.  When they don’t achieve the desired result, they become upset by the conclusion: “if I can’t do it alone, it can’t be done.”

It is at this point that I introduce the concept that the task “can be done with help.” This first step is learned by the Spectrumite when identifying the point at which he or she continues to do the same things without the desired outcome. That’s the point at which they can ask for help.

2) In what form do you need it?

Once a child has determined help is needed, the next step is to determine in what form help is required. Does he simply need information, such as a verbal answer to a question? Does she need to have something physically demonstrated? Does he need an actual hand in doing it? This is important for each child to know, otherwise their request won’t be specific enough. Teacher’s are often biased toward their teaching style, whether it be auditory, visual or tactile. Unless a child’s ideal learning style is addressed, help will likely be given in an inefficient manner. This will frustrate both the student and the teacher, because understanding won’t improve after help is given.

For a student on the Spectrum, knowing the way her own brain receives information best is crucial to the learning process. Help must be asked for in sensory terms, in order to communicate to the helper in what form help is needed. Questions such as “Can you tell me (auditory),” “Can you show me (visual),” and “Can you do it with me once (tactile)” are examples of sensory specific questions.

3) Who do you need it from?

When asking for help, it needs to be from a person who has what you need and will consistently provide help. A Spectrumite will often ask everything of the person he’s most comfortable with, even when that person repeatedly demonstrates he or she doesn’t have the necessary knowledge or skills in that area. For example, a child who knows everything about WWII will ask his parent who is an accountant and knows nothing about WWII to explain the logic behind certain strategies and when the parent doesn’t know the child becomes angry at the parent.

The fact of the matter is the child asked the right question of the wrong person. It is important to help the child identify the key people and resources needed to help him find the answers he seeks. I’m always leading my three Spectrum sons toward learning to find the solutions, beyond me, so they get used to working “with” others.

4) How to ask them for it.

In the modern age of communication, help can be asked for in a variety of ways.  One could simply walk up to a person, or email, text , make a phone call or any other manner of communication. Then, there is the style portion. I can remember a time, as an adult, when I walked up to someone and began asking my question. The person stepped back and said, “Well Good Morning to you too.”

This person was telling me that she required a greeting before asking my question. I collected myself, after her surprise response broke my train of thought, and gave her the greeting she wanted. She was then happy to answer my question.

It is exchanges, such as these, that those on the Spectrum, like myself, find frustrating and avoid. We want to exchange information which is concrete. In face to face conversations, others insist on adding “layers” to the exchange. These layers change from one person to another, and can, often, make or break whether we get what we want.

Requirements, such as pleasantries and other forms of chit chat, serve a social purpose that eludes those on the Spectrum, which is why they are dispensed with. In the modern era of email and texting, many Spectrumites won’t talk to their friends until they get home and can either email or text. These forms of communication are the equivalent of the fast food drive-through, which encourages speed and brevity over social chit chat. Many on the Spectrum prefer this over face to face interactions because it is a better fit for their communication style. It also removes the need to decode nonverbal information from the exchange.

In the event that a face to face exchange is unavoidable, it is necessary for those on the Spectrum to think out and rehearse precisely what he/she is going to ask beforehand. I do this, daily, because it helps me make sure I convey exactly what I want, and prevents me from becoming tongue tied by social anxiety. Unfortunately, the fear of being corrected for imperfect use of social pleasantries is enough to deter a Spectrumite from the face to face encounter.

5) Is it the right time?

Of course, it is possible that you may have the right question and the right person but it isn’t the most convenient time to talk to them. The script would go something like this, “Hello, I have something I need some help with, is now a good time?” If the answer is yes, success and you can ask for help according to Step 4. If the answer is “No” you ask when would be a better time and then follow up at that time, until you get the help you need.

Many, after reading, this will realize that they go through these steps in their head in mere seconds. I’m getting better at it all the time. For the Spectrumites of the world, who find doing so challenging, this strategy can be surprisingly effective in helping them ask for help when they really need it.

This morning I was a bit hyperfocused on the computer while my two younger sons were getting ready for school. My 8 yr old Aidan (Aspie/Autie) turned on the TV which is against the rules of the morning routine. I promptly turned it off explaining that they hadn’t eaten breakfast and the lunches weren’t made. My 5 yr old Connor (Aspie) informed me that Aidan’s lunch was made. I informed Connor that his wasn’t and that I would do it in a few minutes when I was finished with what I was doing and encouraged he and Aidan to get breakfast.

A few minutes later I walked into the kitchen and saw Aidan spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread that had the crust removed. I asked if he was making breakfast and he said, “No, it’s Connor’s lunch.” I guess he really wanted to watch TV. I was so impressed by how proactively he chose to solve the problem that was standing between he and the TV that I offered to take over so he could watch TV. Of course he accepted my offer.

It is often the case with spectrum children that they simply become upset about a problem, blame others for its existence and do little or nothing to solve it. The strategies my wife and I use to raise our boys requires them to problem solve on a daily basis. Yet again Aidan has demonstrated the benefits of being raised this way. He has come so far and I’m so proud of him. If you would like to experience similar results I can teach you how.

I’m a 21 year cancer survivor and an adult with Asperger’s. I have managed to push through these challenges through sheer force of will, with boundless determination and an optimism that has been acquired  from having experienced that seemingly hopeless situations can become better. With all of this there were struggles that remained, struggles that I had resigned myself to as part of my reality. These challenges began piling up on me in recent months and it was getting harder to function. While discussing these challenges with a colleague she asked me if I had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I was taken aback by the suggestion as I had mistakenly assumed that all of my challenges were explained by the Asperger’s. As I researched ADD I read a list of challenges that precisely fit my experience.

For years I had been referring others to Psychiatrists and encouraging them to seek medicinal remedies to their challenges (if only in the short term) while quietly resisting the idea for myself. I had a stubborn pride that insisted that I was better for choosing to push through all my challenges no matter what the cost. The cost was becoming the energy to give to my family, my creative passions and a significant drain on my motivation to name a few. I had determined that I was burning out with what felt like a snowstorm in my mind. I had attributed this snowstorm experience to reality and didn’t fully appreciate just how significant a role my mind was playing in distorting that reality.

As I contemplated my resistance to meds all these years and the revelation that if ADD was in fact part of my neurological makeup, the potential for a simple medicinal solution was overwhelming in it’s positive implications. I sought a referral for a Psychiatrist and just last week met with him for the first time. I was fortunate in that he was very kind, respectful and patient as he asked me questions about my experiences with organization, memory, time management etc. At the end of our conversation he stated that of the nine criteria for ADD I met them all.

We discussed the various medicinal solutions available of which there are many. I decided to try Vyvanse as I’d heard good things about it from others, I’ve heard good things about other meds mind you but I wanted to start with this one. I had no idea what to expect as my only other experience with psychotropic meds have been antidepressants which I also found to be helpful.

The benefits I’ve experienced have been miraculous. When the Vyvanse is working I feel as if my brain is finally able to do what I need it to. My thinking is clearer, more organized and best of all it is so much calmer. I am well aware that many have tried similar medicinal remedies and claimed to have experienced no benefit and that is an unfortunate reality. But in my case I can say that my quality of life has greatly improved. I realized that the pride I felt from insisting I do it all without meds was costing me dearly and took action to change it.

Now that I know better I can humbly say that this is one more example of how critical it is to admit when force of will alone isn’t enough, and when I’m not acting with the tools I need to do the job the best I can. In this case, amazingly, a critical tool was a simple medication. My wife takes medication for migraines which helps her manage them and more able to solve the problems of her life. Now I have a similar tool which spares me the unnecessary struggle and mental exhaustion of forcing my mind to organize without help, even with my greatest effort it wasn’t enough.

When I finally realized I needed help I am grateful I put my pride aside and asked for that help. The results as I said have been miraculous. I can only hope that after reading this you look to the aspects of your life where pride may be standing in the way of you asking for the help you need. More importantly, what it is costing you by making pride more important than the life you could otherwise create by getting the help you need. Thanks for reading.

As told to me by my wife Cathy . . .

Our 5 year old Aspie son Connor had a substitute bus driver yesterday morning. He was hesitant to get on the bus. He asked “Are you a safe driver, or a crazy driver?” then followed with a stern warning “My Caffy (Cathy, his step-mom) will be really mad if you crash me on this bus.” The driver promised to be safe. Connor, then, agreed to ride on his bus.

This driver was great. He got out of his seat and on one knee, so he was on Connor’s level. He promised to drive his very best so that Mom wouldn’t have any reason to be upset. Connor said “ok then” and skipped down the isle to the back of the bus. The driver turned to me and commented that Connor was the only kid who noticed there was a stranger driving the bus and that now that Connor clarified what his responsibility was, he would do his very best.

As he was buckling Connor in, he said “ok, wave bye to mom.” Connor said “Why? I already kissed her. She knows I’ll be back.” He is such the character!

It took me a few days to decide to post this because I feel very vulnerable in doing so. I realized it would be helpful for others if I do. A few days ago after a significant snowfall the boys decided they wanted to play outside. I was grateful for a break and a bit of quiet. Through the window I noticed my wife Cathy had joined them. They were playing on a hill of snow (compliments of Cathy). I could see them smiling and hear them laughing. I found myself having an on the outside looking in feeling and felt I was missing out on something.

I quickly put on my winter gear and went out to join them. Keep in mind this is something I don’t remember doing in their lives. Playing in the snow was always their thing. As I went outside I could hear my oldest son’s voice express his enthusiasm at my decision to join them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks . . . I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to play in the snow with my own children. I ended up watching Cathy who is a natural at this and followed her lead. We ended up having a great time and found it difficult to come inside.

I later confessed this to Cathy who was very understanding and offered to teach me how to be more of a kid with our kids. I told her how much I need that because life has become too serious lately. Looking back on my life, I was a big fan of the outdoors but primarily enjoyed them alone. If I did have company it was one other person. Well into my adulthood I enjoyed long walks, alone. I didn’t know how to do outdoors in an unstructured way, with many people, even my own children. Moral of this is that I’m still Aspie and still learning. The hard part was admitting this challenge. The gift was having a wife I could disclose it to. One who I could trust to understand and guide me to learn to be with my boys in one more way. Next time they want to play in the snow I’ll be right there with them.

Yesterday was my first Thanksgiving with the new in-laws. I’ve met many of them already (about 10 or so) and they have been truly wonderful people. In typical Aspie fashion I was increasingly overwhelmed with tremendous anticipation anxiety. I was informed there would be nearly 50 people at Thanksgiving dinner. Cathy noticed I was nervous and when she inquired I said, “I don’t know what to do.” Having always done Thanksgiving with my family it was routine. I would sit in a room with a bunch of Aspies who wouldn’t talk to each other until dinner. Dinner conversation consisted of very select bullet points and then we would sit around a while longer and go home.

Cathy’s family is very large, and very social. Once we were there (got there early), and more people arrived I found myself in a back room of the house, tensing up and shutting down.  Cathy asked if I was okay, I replied, “I don’t know what the rules are. I don’t know what to do.” This dear, sweet angel who is my wife of one week now stayed close to me the entire time. I was able to loosen up and crack a few jokes as a few of the more familiar relatives sat at our table and we engaged in friendly conversation.

When we moved to the larger room for dessert, it was louder, brighter, and contained several very young children who were reaching their saturation point as well. Their inconsolable crying was evidence of it. I was able to tune out for a few minutes while sampling a piece of the most incredible homemade pumpkin pie I’ve ever eaten. Not long after that I was snapped to attention when Cathy placed her hand on my shoulder. I was completely tuned out when she did that and of course didn’t realize it. She asked, “Are you ready to go?” I can’t remember my response but she said, “I’m ready to go.”

We said a few quick goodbyes and as we walked down the driveway she asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner and that we didn’t have to stay. I said, “I didn’t want to be a party pooper.” This episode reminded me just how much I have constructed a life of familiarity around me. It has been a long time since I walked into a situation where I felt paralyzed because there were more unknowns than knows. I spent the night quiet, allowing people who knew the rules to come to me so I could follow their lead.

It just goes to show that with all I know and all of the skills I’ve learned over the years, I’m still an Aspie and have those new experiences in which I simply don’t know what to do until shown the way. I also have the experiences where too much information to process at once leads to shut down. Such is the journey of my life. Keep Moving Forward.

Yesterday I attended a resource fair with 250 other providers. The hosts of this event had planned poorly and I had to share a 6 foot display table with 3 other people. They were very pleasant but it was too close for comfort. Add to that the unbearable decibel level when the event reached it’s capacity. For at least 90 minutes I clenched my fists, rocked back and forth on my feet and tensed every muscle in my body. Everything I could to stave off complete shutdown as my nervous system was progressively overloaded by the deafening noise and the claustrophobic workspace.

All this as I used every ounce of concentration to attend to the people who stopped by my small piece of the table. It was so loud and my audio processing issues were so taxed that even the people standing next to me were impossible to hear at times as my brain could no longer differentiate one sound from the next. As much as people get on our cases and demand that we be competent at the skills required in a certain setting. They often fail to realize how much is required of us just by being there.

By the end of the event I staggered out and drove to my office struggling to keep my eyes open as my brain screamed “No more.” I had but two hours before I would need to give my all to the 5 clients I had scheduled back to back for the afternoon. With the help of my dear Cathy who came to the office to provide some much needed deep pressure, and a lot of caffeine. I got enough focus and energy back to make it through the day. By the time I got home I was ready to throw up from how disorganized I still felt. I climbed into bed and began shaking as my body was letting go of the tension of the day.

Why did I do this? I’d attended this event before and it wasn’t like this. Last time I shared a table with one person and it was maybe half this size. If I do this event again I’m taking the rest of the day off.