No More Misunderstandings . . .

Brian responds to email questions and discusses the Three main parts of relationships that are critical for those on the Spectrum to understand in order to make friends.

A friend is someone who by virtue of sharing a common experience, the experience is significantly better than if experienced alone.

Connecting with peers and even family members is the most difficult thing for those of us on the Autism Spectrum to do. As an adult on the Autism Spectrum I’ve spent a lifetime working to bridge the gap between myself and others. I have figured out how and my life is so much richer. I am honored to be able to teach you and your child how to do the same.

If I judge a person then how can I hear what that person has to say? If I judge a person then how can I learn from that person? If I judge a person then how can we reach an understanding, so that we may work together? Thus, going further than we could ever go alone.

I have found Spectrumites just as guilty of judging others as those they chastise for judging them. The assumptions they make are just as big a barrier between them and others as their social challenges are. I spend a lot of time teaching Spectrumites and NT’s alike how to get past the habit of mind reading and get to doing the work of communicating.

Why Independence Is A Bad Idea.

By: Brian R. King LCSW

I’m always told by the parents of my clients that they want their child to grow up to be independent. They want them to be able to make their own decisions and not have to rely on others. Of course their goal is turned upside down when I ask them the following questions “Do you do that?” “Do you go through life without asking for help or advice from others?” The answers are inexorably “No.”

The fact of the matter is that “independence” never occurs in a world where we are bound together by our own humanity which makes us good at some things and not so good at others. The notion of not having to rely on others is absurd. In reality the nature of human existence is one of “interdependence” from the day we are born until the day we die.

The challenge with being on the Autism Spectrum isn’t to be “interdependent” either because we’re interdependent whether we like it or not. The goal is to be “strategically interdependent” in which case you know how to have relationships with the right people who will support you in your areas of challenge.

I have my own business, have written several books and am raising my three boys. I owe my success to my own strengths but also to the quality of the people around me whom I utilize very strategically. The most simple examples of “strategic interdependence” are having a mechanic when your car breaks, a doctor when you get sick or an accountant to do your taxes.

The best examples of “strategic interdependence” are the person who goes with you to buy a car so you aren’t suckered by a fast talking salesperson, or the person who helps you practice for a job interview. Success in life isn’t defined by not having to rely on others and making decisions on your own. Success in life is defined by relying on the right people, at the right time and in the right way. It’s also by asking for advice from those who are qualified to give it.

My success in life has been by doing exactly that and teaching my sons as well as my clients to do the same. We only make it in life with each other, working together. The secret lies in having those few key people around us that can help us live up to our potential by doing “with” us instead of doing for “us”. Help your child to do that and you will have succeeded as a parent. Thanks for reading.

© 2008 Copyright (All Rights Reserved by Brian R. King and www.ImAnAspie.com) This article may only be redistributed if this copyright notice is included.

Yesterday was my first Thanksgiving with the new in-laws. I’ve met many of them already (about 10 or so) and they have been truly wonderful people. In typical Aspie fashion I was increasingly overwhelmed with tremendous anticipation anxiety. I was informed there would be nearly 50 people at Thanksgiving dinner. Cathy noticed I was nervous and when she inquired I said, “I don’t know what to do.” Having always done Thanksgiving with my family it was routine. I would sit in a room with a bunch of Aspies who wouldn’t talk to each other until dinner. Dinner conversation consisted of very select bullet points and then we would sit around a while longer and go home.

Cathy’s family is very large, and very social. Once we were there (got there early), and more people arrived I found myself in a back room of the house, tensing up and shutting down.  Cathy asked if I was okay, I replied, “I don’t know what the rules are. I don’t know what to do.” This dear, sweet angel who is my wife of one week now stayed close to me the entire time. I was able to loosen up and crack a few jokes as a few of the more familiar relatives sat at our table and we engaged in friendly conversation.

When we moved to the larger room for dessert, it was louder, brighter, and contained several very young children who were reaching their saturation point as well. Their inconsolable crying was evidence of it. I was able to tune out for a few minutes while sampling a piece of the most incredible homemade pumpkin pie I’ve ever eaten. Not long after that I was snapped to attention when Cathy placed her hand on my shoulder. I was completely tuned out when she did that and of course didn’t realize it. She asked, “Are you ready to go?” I can’t remember my response but she said, “I’m ready to go.”

We said a few quick goodbyes and as we walked down the driveway she asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner and that we didn’t have to stay. I said, “I didn’t want to be a party pooper.” This episode reminded me just how much I have constructed a life of familiarity around me. It has been a long time since I walked into a situation where I felt paralyzed because there were more unknowns than knows. I spent the night quiet, allowing people who knew the rules to come to me so I could follow their lead.

It just goes to show that with all I know and all of the skills I’ve learned over the years, I’m still an Aspie and have those new experiences in which I simply don’t know what to do until shown the way. I also have the experiences where too much information to process at once leads to shut down. Such is the journey of my life. Keep Moving Forward.

I had a long day yesterday which ended with a trip to the bowling alley with the boys. To say I was exhausted afterward would be an understatement. Thus I had to reserve my mental energy for my clients which in order to do so required me to attend to little else. As I was entering my office building I passed the mail carrier. She walked through the door and as I saw it, I took the door as she was about to let go. She said, “You’re welcome.” Apparently she felt she was holding the door for me and entitled to a thank you. This is an example of a frequent experience we Spectrumites have. When we walk through our day making an effort to preserve our mental energy often requires us to minimize or outright avoid even these little moments of connection. Before I could say anything in response she was through the door. For all I know she walked away thinking I was rude. All I know is I was tired and focused on getting to my office so I could gather myself before my clients began arriving.